What is a war? According to dictionary.com, war is “a conflict carried on by force of arms… between nations or between parties within a nation…” War has been a commonly used word for the past decade, between the War of Afghanistan and Iraq, and the overall War against Terrorism. When a person thinks about war, they picture soldiers and tanks in uncharted and unfamiliar territory fighting an enemy who is threatening freedom and peace. Violence, instability, victory, and loses are the words that floats in a person’s mind when war is mentioned. Two large countries can duke it out to see who is better and “more right,” but what can a person do if he or she is at war with themselves? Right and wrong, pros and cons, here and there, up and down, black and white, dark and light, fire and ice.
I’ve been in a war that lasted longer than the one against terrorism. It’s a war that is subtle like a calm river, but chaotic like a rapid. It is unseen like an owl in the night, but visible like a cloud in a blue sunny sky. It is hidden like a panther that is night hunting, but visible like an elephant in the savannah. I’m going through a war that doesn’t involve anyone but me. Me, myself, and I. Throughout the years, many aspects of life and its experiences positively and negatively flooded my heart, mind, and soul. The flooding of one’s well-being filled the pot and added pressure and steam to its boiling point. Like a tea pot at its boiling point, the pressure whistled and screamed. The longer it went, the louder the scream. Soon, I began to doubt myself, started to lose confidence on myself, drained my creativity, and lost focus of the present. Like a force from a foreign country, ammunition rained on my heart, mind, and soul, enough to lose who I was. The true me vs. the false me. That was the war. The war of me.
Throughout this emotional and life-wrecking war, many people have joined my side to help the real me desire the sign of Victory at the top of the summit. Creativity with music, charity with Artists 4 Life, love with relationships, togetherness with family, and physicality with sports helped me find my real identity. But even with back-up units on my side, some fell behind to recover from months to years of crisis and friendly-fire. Although having a group to return fire when I need it was essential to win a battle, the only soldier that can fight this battle was the real me. So I went out to the desert and fought hard. The fighting took months, filled with stalemates, gains, and loses. During the nights when fighting ceased, I closed my eyes and prayed to God to guide me and keep me alive. Oh I prayed hard to add another day of my life to fight off the fake me, the one that hurt so many of my fellow soldiers, my loved ones, and my life. Each day, I felt a focused strength build in me; I started to get better. Each day it seems like my prayers were now becoming a reality. Every day I fought with my heart, mind, and soul exposed to snipers and grenades, but even with the enemy fire, my armor grew stronger and stronger. My desire to survive in the name of God and my true self was starting to become full-circled. With my courage to move forward, the war became less deadly.
Now, the war is settling. The large blow to my well-being is over, but the skirmish that lies under my skin still shatters the tranquility randomly and without warning. Unlike before, I am ready with my battle plan, the blue prints that will gain full control of the enemies territory. I’m here sitting in my bed, armed and dangerous with my family and friends; talents and traits; experiences and inexperiences; God and my will; and a heart of gold. I’m ready for tomorrow’s battle to the summit. I’m a fighter and I will not give up and fall. I will stand tall and fly the flag that belongs to me and only me. The true me.
